Eternal Sonata
by Laney1718
Summary: After crashing onto an alien planet, Chakotay watches from the afterlife. (Coda Rewrite)
1. Chapter 1

**This story is cowritten by my wonderful friend SarahWritesThings. Check her more recent works out on AO3 and if you feel so inclined, you can follow her on Tumblr (all platforms are under the same username) she's amazing. We hope you enjoy this story!**

* * *

The two of them boarded the Sacajawea and began their short journey towards the sand colored planet. The brown swirls to the right of the equator reminding him of the swirls in a dessert he and Kathryn tried on shoreleave a few weeks before.

He stood up and walked over to the panel on the wall behind Kathryn's seat. She remained, her leg drawn up to her chest and a smile resting comfortably over her features. She looked beautiful, relaxed even, something he was happy she could be in his presence.

She swiveled slightly in her chair, bringing back to mind the previous night. Watching her twirl around on stage, it was the most magnificent thing he had seen since being in the delta quadrant. Her dancing skills hadn't been anything to write home about, her legs however were another story. But all of it paled in comparison to seeing her so happy, finally connecting with her crew, their crew. For a few simple minutes he had seen the woman behind the mask of captain, the woman he had met on New Earth. He missed her, and last night he realized just how much.

A hint of a smile played on his lips as he thought of a way to bring up her performance.

"Harry's clarinet solo was okay. I could have done without Tuvok's reading of Vulcan poetry," he spoke up, his heart beating faster at the sound of her laugh. He wanted to hear it again.

"But the highlight of the evening was definitely Kathryn Janeway portraying the Dying Swan," he said, making his way back to his seat.

She laughed again, this time louder. He noticed her eyes following him as he sat.

"I learned that dance when I was six years old. I assure you, it was the hit of the Beginning Ballet class," she said, waving her hands around dramatically.

**"**I don't doubt it. If Neelix has another talent night I hope you reprise it," he said with a smirk.

She chuckled and shook her head.

**"**Oh, no. Not until certain other people take their turn. The ship's First Officer for instance," she said, pointing towards him.

**"**Me? Get up in front of people and perform? I don't think so,"

"Come on, Chakotay, there must be some talent you have that people would enjoy. Maybe I could stand with an apple on my head and you could phaser it off," she suggested jokingly.

He laughed, trying hard to focus on the console in front of him.

**"**Sounds great. If I miss I get to be Captain."

Her laughter was cut short as a bolt of lightning struck across their viewport. The console beeped to send a warning and immediately Janeway sat straight checking what was wrong, that carefree woman from just seconds ago was once again tucked away.

**"**Atmospheric turbulence. We might be in for a rough landing," he said.

"Funny, a minute ago there wasn't any indication of rough weather," she replied.

**"**I'm reading even more severe storms near the surface,"

Lightning struck again, this time closer to the shuttle, causing it to shake. The console beeped once more and Janeway analyzed the reading.

"Ion lightning. Maybe we'd better try the fifth planet instead and come back here when things have cleared up" she suggested, but he knew it was too late to change course. He was simply hoping for a soft landing.

Lightning struck a third time, hitting the shuttle and causing a console on the back wall to blow, sending a few sparks and a bit of smoke into the air.

**"**I think we took a lightning hit. Attitude control is out," he said, frantically trying to maintain control.

**"**I'm switching to manual," she said.

They were hit again, this time the sparks were so bright it nearly blinded them, and the smoke billowed out thicker, only adding to his impaired vision.

**"**The navigational system's out," he shouted.

"Reverse engines. Full thrusters," she commanded.

"Warning. Hydrazene gas leak" The computer said.

**"**Altitude twelve kilometers. Hull temperature four thousand degrees. We have to reduce speed," she said, the concern weighing in her voice.

"I'll try the emergency anti-grav thrusters," he said, praying it would work.

They began a descent through thick grey clouds which looked about as grim as their situation at hand.

He felt himself losing control of the shuttle, the bottom grazed one of the tall black rocks that seemed to rise from the clouds themselves. The consoles began screeching at him as he felt the ship rock violently. They were crashing and he couldn't stop it, all he could do was have faith that they would survive.

His ears began to ring as the noises of metal being crushed, scraped, and beaten flooded his ears. He felt his body being flung against the back of the shuttle and then tossed forward again, and his world went dark.

Kathryn came to first. Her body lying flat over the console and her head slumped over. She opened her eyes and looked around only to realize that Chakotay was no longer next to her.

"Chakotay?" She heard no response.

Gingerly, she turned around and with a stifled gasp, she ran to his side on the floor of the shuttle.

"Chakotay?...Chakotay!" She checked for a pulse, it was weak and growing weaker by the second.

She quickly got out a medical tricorder, scanning over his body and hoping for the best, but when it gave her the readings she saw that his injuries were severe. He needed immediate medical attention if he was going to live.

**" **Warning. Hydrazene gas levels at one hundred twelve parts per million. Begin evacuation procedures," the computer stated coldly.

"Damn it!" Grabbing the medical kit, she slung it under her shoulder.

She put her arms under his shoulders, hoping desperately that the adrenaline pumping through her veins would provide her with enough strength to pull him out of the shuttle.

His body remained limp like a rag doll as she dragged him onto the dirt ground just outside the shuttle. She felt sick to her stomach seeing him so helpless.

She shook her head, thinking back to her emergency medical training, it had been a while since she had put what little skills she had to any use.

Cordrazine. Give him cordrazine to keep his heart going. Cordrazine and CPR. She thought to herself.

Her hands shook as she loaded the hypospray.

She injected it into the side of his neck, waiting patiently for something to happen, for any sign that he would be ok.

"C'mon Chakotay."

"Don't you dare die on me," she pleaded, as the tears began to sting in her eyes.

She placed the heel of her hand on the center of his chest, then interlocked the fingers from the other hand and began chest compressions. She tried to keep a steady pace, stopping every 30 compressions to give two rescue breaths, watching his chest rise and fall but not of his own volition.

He still wasn't breathing, and his pulse had ceased. Two tears fell down her cheeks simultaneously with a burning fear. She couldn't lose him, not now and not ever.

"Please, Chakotay don't leave me….please," she cried out. "Breathe dammit!"

She grabbed the hypospray and loaded again, saying a silent prayer to whoever or whatever might have been listening in that moment that it would work.

The second the hypo was released into his neck he gasped and began to cough. She released a breath and sighed with relief.

She took his hand in her own and looked into his eyes with a teary smile.

"Kathryn?" he croaked.

"Don't ever do that to me again," she said shaking her head.

"Thanks," he replied with a tired smile.

She dug through the medical kit, then began to run a device over his head.

"This should help with cranial swelling, although I'm afraid you'll have a hell of a headache for a while."

"I'll be fine," he said trying to sit up.

"Hey, take it easy. You rest while I go grab the blankets and rations from the shuttle. Here, set up the homing signal while I'm gone," she said handing him her comm badge and then standing up and walking back towards the wreckage.

He began fiddling with the commbadge to set up the signal, but then his eyes drifted towards her. Curiously, he watched her scan the burn marks on the side of the shuttle and then run back to him with the blankets and rations in her arms.

"What were you looking at?"

"There are phaser burns on the hull, I don't think it was the storm that caused the crash. We were shot down," she replied.

"By whom?"

"I'm not sure, but I'll go get a closer look, see if I can't get an energy signal from the burns,"

"I should probably disconnect the homing signal until we know more, we don't want to give our exact location to whoever may have shot us down, " he suggested.

She nodded and made her way back toward the hull, rescanning the burn marks.

Chakotay grabbed onto the large boulder he had been leaning on and used it as support while he tried to stand. His vision still blurry, he waited a moment before attempting to walk over to where Kathryn was standing.

"Anything?" he asked.

"The signatures are Vidiian," she says, the concern lurking in her voice.

"It thought we had moved past their space," he replied.

"If they were the ones to shoot us down we shouldn't remain near the crash sight. Let's find somewhere to lay low for a while, gather our thoughts or formulate a plan," she suggested.

"Lead the way,"

She began walking, but stopped when her tricorder started beeping rapidly.

"What is it?"

"Life forms, they're fifty meters away and getting closer, let's go!" she said.

They walked a few steps to the right but the beeping started up again.

"There's more coming from this direction, they have us surrounded. Looks like we'll have to fight," she said.

The two ran in the direction of the nearest cave, his hand instinctively grabbing onto his phaser, preparing for the worst.

They entered the dimly lit cave with their guards up and their weapons drawn. It seemed as if the coast was clear until they walked further into the cave and heard the soft footsteps.

Five Vidiians came out from the shadows, their weapons aimed and ready to fire. Chakotay's breath hitched and the dreadful feeling of terror settled in his gut.

"Back off now! We'll fire if we have to," Kathryn warned, but they continued to step closer.

"Back off!" she yelled, but it was too late.

One of the Vidiians fired a shot directly to her chest, sending her to the ground instantly.

"Kathryn!" he shouted as his heart dropped.

He tried to run over to her, but another Vidiian jumped down and grabbed him by the collar. He felt pain wash over him as the alien tossed his body against the hard rocky wall. Before he could regain his footing, he felt hands grip around his throat, squeezing with all their might. He tried desperately to break free, but it was no use.

His vision began to blur and the world around him began to spin. His last dying breath was spent trying desperately to call out her name, his last thought was of her smile, and then it all faded away.


	2. Chapter 2

"Harry's clarinet solo was okay. I could have done without Tuvok's reading of Vulcan poetry...But the highlight of the evening was definitely Kathryn Janeway portraying the Dying Swan," he said with a smirk, his heart beating faster at the sound of her laugh, the view of her carefree smile.

He took his seat next to her, noticing her eyes following him as he did so. His attention struggled to remain on the console in front of him.

"I learned that dance when I was six years old. I assure you…" her voice trailed off.

"Kathryn?" he looked at her curiously.

"What's happening here?" she asked, her voice taking on a more serious tone.

He stopped, thinking for a quick moment. It had all seemed so familiar, the shuttle trip, the conversation...a crash.

"You're right. We have been here before." he said, concern weighing heavily on each word.

Suddenly, she sat straight up. He could see her trying to piece together the events in her mind, and in an instant a spark flashed in her eyes.

"Do you remember Vidiians?"

As soon as the question had been asked, images flooded his mind. Hands; gripping, choking, shots were fired, and they had died.

"Yes. They shot us down and attacked us..." he said. Her expression told him she remembered exactly the same thing.

"We may have wandered into some kind of repeating time loop. I'm going to scan for temporal anomalies."

She stood up, her stare determined, and walked towards the back of the shuttle, punching in commands on the controls.

"Whatever's going on, let's change tactics this time. Let's not try to land on that planet," he suggested.

"Agreed," she said, continuing her hunt for data.

"I don't see any evidence of temporal flux, or any kind of anomaly for that matter," she reported.

He looked around, scanning the area from his console for any potential threats.

"Or of Vidiian ships," he added.

"So far, so good," she said with a nod.

He attempted to contact the ship, in hopes that they could help them out of whatever mess they had wandered into.

"Chakotay to Voyager. Chakotay to Voyager, do you read us?"

"We're out of range," Kathryn said with a sigh.

She made her way over to her seat and facing him, and with an intense stare over her carefully concealed fear, she spoke again.

"I'd still like to figure out what happened to us. Send a subspace message that we won't be landing on the planet. Tell them that we'll be looking for evidence of temporal anomalies."

He nodded, reaching for the communication controls, but before he could follow through on her orders, the console began to beep.

"I see a ship approaching at high impulse. It's on an intercept course," she said.

"Is it Vidiian?"

"Yes."

He scanned the area once more, dread filling his body.

"I've got it. It's a warship, loaded with weaponry. It's closing fast."

"Can we outrun it?" she asked.

"We can try."

The shuttle leaned to the right, swerving off it's intended course in an attempt to lose the attacker, but it wasn't working.

"They're two hundred thousand kilometres away and gaining," she warned.

"Setting evasive pattern Delta four," he said, typing commands into his console as quickly as he could.

"They're powering weapons. Shields up! Stand by all phaser arrays," her voice was dark, and vacant of the glimpse of fear he had noticed before.

Out of the vast darkness, the Vidiian ship appeared, towering over their proverbial prey. Three rounds were fired before the massive ship was seen flying over the shuttle, casting their dark shadow overhead. They rocked back and forth forcefully and once their balance returned, they immediately assessed their damage.

"Shields down to eighty four percent," he said.

"Returning fire," she said, keeping her voice calm.

"Nice aim."

"It didn't stop them," she grunted, as another shot sent sparks flying throughout the shuttle.

"We've lost shields!" He couldn't keep anxiety out of his voice like she could.

"Firing starboard array!"

Before she could take any action they were hit critically. He could feel the shuttle beginning to fail, one look at his console confirmed just as much.

"That one hit the reactant injectors."

"Shut them down, they'll leak antimatter." she commanded.

"The magnetic fields are failing. The gas flow separators are down" he responded.

"Dump the core!" she said, as a last effort to save themselves, but it had been too late.

Within a single moment they were engulfed in a bright light and intense heat, then everything was gone.

* * *

He stood staring at the console, trying to think about the conversation he was about to start but feeling as if they had already discussed it. Instead he remained silent and walked over to take his seat.

She too kept her eyes straight ahead, piercing the dark abyss before them on the viewscreen. As soon as he sat, a sense of eeriness washed over him and he quickly remembered. It had seemed like a nightmare, a hallucination of sorts, but twice they had tried to escape and twice they had died. He looked next to him to find Kathryn staring back, his disturbed look reflected at him in her own expression. No words were said, just a silent understanding that they were in deep trouble.

After a few brief moments, her Captain's mask was set in place and she began thinking out loud.

"It's looking more and more like we're in a time loop. The question is, how do we break it?"

"Let's retrace our steps. Get back to the part of space we were in before all this started happening." he advised.

"Agreed. If we're experiencing a temporal field, a tachyon burst might disperse it." she said shooting him a quick glance.

"Chakotay," she said wearily.

"Let me guess. It's a Vidiian ship,"

"Two Vidiian ships, still twenty million kilometres away but headed right for us."

"Sacajawea to Voyager. Do you read us?"

He knew it hadn't worked the last time he tried, but he prayed that since they backtracked a bit they would be able to get the message through. As luck would have it, he began to hear the static before a stoic, familiar voice rang in his ears.

"Voyager here. You have just come into communication range, Commander," Tuvok stated.

Chakotay subtly released a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding.

"We're being pursued by two Vidiian ships. Set a course for our shuttle and have weapons powered," he said.

"We also believe we're experiencing some kind of temporal phenomenon, a time loop," Janeway added.

"Make certain you scan for anomalies."

"Aye Captain. We're on our way," Tuvok replied.

"If you're going to emit that tachyon burst, you'd better do it now. In a couple of minutes those ships'll be right on top of us," Chakotay said.

"Here goes."

With the simple press of a few buttons, a wave of energy emerged from the shuttle, expanding for several hundred kilometers before dissipating into the dark expanse.

"I can't tell if it's affecting anything," she said.

"The Vidiians are almost within range. Ready weapons,"

The two of them prepared for the attack, aiming their weapons and waiting, but suddenly the two ships simply disappeared.

"What happened?" he asked.

"They just vanished!" she said in astonishment.

He console beeped.

"But I'm picking up a residual temporal signature."

"Then those ships must have been part of the time loop," he suggested, there seemed to be no other reasonable explanation.

"And the tachyon burst disrupted it." she said, putting the pieces together in her mind.

"Not a minute too soon. I was getting awfully tired of talking about Talent Night," he said with a laugh, feeling relief wash over him.

He watched her laugh and then focused on the chirping that signaled voyagers impending arrival.

"Voyager to Sacajawea. We will rendezvous with you in approximately four minutes," Tuvok said.

"Believe me, Tuvok, we're looking forward to it," Janeway replied.

They shared a glance of amusement before focusing once again on their tasks, ready to back on solid ground.

* * *

A few minutes later the shuttle docked on Voyager. The Captain made her way to the bridge, as Chakotay completed the shuttle procedures.

She arrived on the bridge, she nodded to Tuvok, who moved back to his usual station.

"Good to have you back captain," Tuvok stated.

"Good to be here," she replied with a smile.

As she made her way to her seat the hiss of the doors let her know that Chakotay had just come off the turbo lift.

"Commander," Tuvok said with a slight nod.

He walked to the center of the bridge and sat next to Kathryn, immediately facing her.

"Do you have any idea what was happening to us in that shuttle?"

"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean?" She replied, crinkling her brow in confusion.

"Did Voyager detect evidence of a temporal field or anomaly?" he asked.

"I don't believe so, why?"

"What do you mean 'Why?'. We were stuck in a time loop," he said, disturbed by her dismissive attitude to the events of the past few hours.

"Are you feeling alright Commander? To my knowledge we were never in any time loop,"

"You don't remember? We were making our way to the second planet in the binary system and then Vidiians-" he started but she interrupted.

"Vidiians attacked us...but we managed to escape and make it back to Voyager."

"This time yes, but there were two other times we weren't so lucky. We died, twice, and each time we would start from the exact same point in time. We would reappear during our conversation about talent night," he said, trying to remain calm.

"Perhaps you should go to sickbay and see the doctor,"

"No…" he began to get defensive, standing up. He didn't know what was happening, how to make her understand, but suddenly she looked at him with her bright blue eyes and gentle smile and he felt slightly more at ease. He knew she was trying to get him to relax and see that she was only trying to help. When she spoke again, she did so with a calm tone.

"It's alright...if you say that's what happened then I'll have Tuvok perform some extra scans, but in the meantime I suggest you go get checked out by the doctor just to be safe,"

"Alright, I'll go," he conceded.

"Good, and I'll keep you informed about the results of the scans," she said.

"Thank you,"

She didn't reply, just a simple nod and a soft smile, but he could see the concern in her eyes. She was worried about him.

* * *

"Well Commander you seem to be in perfect physical health. No sign of memory modification or temporal activity." The Doctor looked down at his tricorder. "Although...you could use a bit of extra time on the holodeck, perhaps an exercising program to help stay in shape. Men of your age tend to rapidly lose muscle mass and-"

Chakotay bit back a laugh. "Thank you Doctor, but I didn't come here for advice."

"They never do," he mumbled.

"If that's all?" Chakotay began to move off the biobed, but the Doctor moved in front of him.

"However, Commander, whatever you've been through, it's obviously caused you a great deal of stress. I suggest you take some time to relax. My advice, wanted or not, is still that of a medical professional and I do hope that you take it."

Chakotay sighed, "Doctor, there's been an unexplained phenomenon. I can't possibly go to the holodeck right now, not when there's work to be done."

"Whatever you experienced, there is no current danger to the ship. I could make this an order."

Chakotay looked into the hologram's face, but he was as stubborn as always. "Fine, I'll go to the holodeck. It's been a while since I've gotten the chance to run my boxing program."

"Excellent. Physical activity lowers cortisol levels. Just make sure the safeties are on, I don't want to have you in with broken bones or a concussion." He turned away, moving to clean up the work station.

"You won't, I'll be careful."

* * *

He needed to take out his frustrations, he needed a win after being defeated twice already, after dying twice.

He selected an opponent, making him a Vidiian, the largest and strongest the computer could create. He thought for a moment that if he beat this alien scum to a pulp it might make him feel a little better. It might flush out the images that he couldn't erase from his mind. Of Kathryn, lying on the floor.

Besides, he knew the safeties were on, making it a sure win. He needed that sure win.

The bell rang and he squared into position, his feet bouncing in time with his heart. He went forth with a right jab and it landed square in the aliens jaw.

His enemy recovered quickly, and they began to circle one another, arms up in defensive positions. For a few seconds, it was unclear who would make the next move.

Feeling overly confident, Chakotay threw another punch but missed as the Vidiian swerved just in time.

* * *

Tom made his way to the bridge and took his place at the helm, but before he began his work he turned around to face his captain.

"Captain, I thought I would inform you of some complaints we've been receiving about holodeck two,"

"What about it?"

"Well some people have complained about malfunctioning safeties. They switch on and off, and a few people have been getting injured. Nothing major, just a bee sting and a scrape or scratch here and there,"

"Have you mentioned this to B'Elanna?"

"I have, but she needs all hands on deck after a minor incident with the warp core this morning. She says she can't spare the manpower until later in the week, and Harry and I haven't been able to find the problem."

"Well, then I suggest we close holodek two immediately until it can be repaired."

"I agree." He nodded, turning back to the helm.

"Computer, who's occupying holodeck two?"

Commander Chakotay is in holodeck two.

Her breath hitched slightly.

She steadied herself, "Computer, what program is Commander Chakotay currently running?"

Commander Chakotay is currently running Boxing program Alpha Four in holodeck two.

"Captain Janeway to Commander Chakotay."

A slight crackle let her know that the line was open, but there was no response. She waited, desperate to hear the slightest murmur of acknowledgement.

But when a few seconds had passed in silence, she leapt to her feat.

"Tuvok, you have the bridge!"

"Aye Captain."

* * *

She was practically sprinting down the hallway, holding onto her last shred of decency in her mission.

"Computer, end program running in holodeck two,"

Error, unable to end program.

She blew out a breath in frustration and walked towards the doors.

The second they opened, she ran inside.

"Just in time" she mumbled to herself, noting that Chakotay seemed to be completely unharmed, focused on his fight against a Viidian opponent.

"Computer end program,"

Cannot comply.

"Fine then!"

She walked over to the ring and called out his name.

"Chakotay?"

* * *

His focus was sharp, his eyes never leaving his opponent. So far, every move had been calculated, he was ready to win, but then he heard it.

He could've sworn someone had called his name.

"Chakotay you need to stop!"

It was clear as day, Kathryn Janeway's voice.

He turned to look at her for a split second, but that was all his opponent needed to have his opening.

He heard his name called a third time, but this time there was panic in her voice.

"Chakotay!"

But it was too late.

By the time he realized what was happening, he felt the fist make contact with his jaw.

In the milliseconds before he hit the ground, he wished that he hadn't made that Vidiian so strong. He felt the boxing ring dissolve around him, leaving his body on the cold hard ground of the holodeck.

The ringing in his ears prevented him from hearing the full volume of her terrified scream, but fading into the background he recognized the words "Stay with me", before a string of commands he assumed had to do with beaming him to sickbay.

It was the last thing he heard before he himself, much like the holoprogram, dissolve into nothingness.

* * *

He looked up from the console on the wall with a tinge of pain in his jaw and a look of utter confusion. Within seconds, it dawned on him.

"Kathryn!"

She turned immediately to face him.

"I know...we're back!"


	3. Chapter 3

They stared at each other, both at a loss for words as they tried to process what was happening. They were back in the shuttle, no visible sign of danger and yet they were filled with an impending sense of doom that comes naturally with dying violently three times.

He tried to blink away the confusion, focusing on the readings flickering at him from the small consoles in the back of the shuttle. They were on course for the small planet, the planet he knew to be full of dusty sand and caves, and Viidians lurking about in the shadows, ready and willing to attack.

Or were they?

They had been here many times before, and each time it had been a little different. Was this going to be one of the times they died on the planet? In the shuttle? Could they stop it?

Chakotay turned, ready to vocalize these questions, but before he could speak a word, a flash of light illuminated the shuttle, simultaneously throwing them sideways. He rushed to his seat before another hit threw him off balance.

But something new had appeared on their viewport. Hanging in space, just a short distance from the nose of the shuttle was an anomaly. It hung like a ghastly white ghost, a hazy swirl drawing in debris from all around it, drawing them closer.

"What the hell is that?" Kathryn said, her voice lacking her usual scientific excitement.

"I have no idea, sensors aren't giving me anything."

She glanced at him, then back at her console. "We've got to get away from it. Divert all power to the engines."

"No…."

"There are intense gravito-magnetic forces. If we don't move now , we're going to be sucked in." She had her Captain's voice back on, but his mind was racing.

"What if we flew into the anomaly?"

"Excuse me?" she asked, shocked at the suggestion.

"What if this anomaly is the center of the time-loop? We should fly into it, it could be the key to ending this." He began inputting the new heading.

Kathryn stared at him, dumbfounded, "We have no idea what we're dealing with! What if this is the real timeline, and this kills us permanently? We have no way of knowing the repercussions."

But even in her protests, they realized it was too late. Their engines weren't strong enough to divert from the path ahead. The shuttle slid through space, the anomaly growing ever closer.

Until it wasn't.

With a flash of light, Chakotay found himself standing on the surface of the planet, at the rear of the shuttle. How he got there, he wasn't sure. They had always reappeared on the shuttle, hanging in space.

He looked around wildly, searching for an answer, and found Kathryn, kneeling on the floor of the shuttle.

"Kathryn?"

He moved closer, reaching out a hand and calling out her name, but she didn't move. With a jolt, he realized that she was kneeling in front of a body, in front of his body, which was lying motionless on the cold ground.

Kathryn's hands were running all over him, frantically searching for a pulse. He studied her hands on his chest, trying to focus and feel the sensation, to feel anything, but it was futile. He watched the scene like a dream, hoping it was one.

She called out wildly, "Chakotay!", her voice shaking along with her hands.

She moved quickly, dragging his body from the shuttle and over behind a large rock. Her hands hovering over his chest, she took a deep breath, then began emergency chest compressions, throwing her full body into each thrust.

"Don't - you dare - die on me - Chakotay." Kathryn was pleading, panting with the exertion.

He wanted to comfort her, to reassure her that he was alright. But that would be a lie, as he was currently disembodied, helplessly watching his life slip away, like sand through his fingertips. His heart ached watching Kathryn desperately try to save him, hearing her broken voice call out for him and choke back tears.

She pulled herself away from his chest, she reached for his pulse again, trying to feel any sign of life. But she sat back on her heels, staring down at his form, looking broken, shocked and terrified all at once.

There was nothing more she could do.

"Chakotay…."

Her shoulders sagged, a weak cry escaped from her.

She leaned forward, arms wrapping around him, pulling herself close to his chest.

"No, Chakotay, please no! You can't leave me like this... Please."

All at once the tears she had held back flooded her eyes and fell in a seemingly endless stream. Desperate, aching sobs racked her body, simultaneously ripping apart his soul with heave and gasp.

"Kathryn…" was all he managed to say, but she couldn't hear him. He reached out to touch her cheek and wipe away the tears, but his hand went right through her.

All he wanted was to end her pain.

He watched, his own tears threatening to spill, as she bent her face close to his, a hand on his cheek and kissed his forehead. It was a delicate act, that on any other day would've made his heart leap, but he wanted a kiss to start something...this was a goodbye.

"Please don't go," she whispered, about to say more, but a chirp interrupted.

Kathryn slapped her commbadge, pulling herself together in mere seconds. Kathryn had seemingly vanished, replaced by the Captain, focused and ready to solve everything.

"Janeway here. Voyager, do you read?"

The line was full of static, but Tuvok's voice suddenly filtered through.

"Voyager here. Are you in need of assistance?"

"Yes. Requesting emergency transport to sickbay for the Commander and myself. How far are you?"

"We're in orbit captain. We've located you, but the transporters won't function in the storm. A shuttle is on its way to the surface now."

She looked at Chakotay's face, calm and peaceful in her arms, for a moment there was a crack in the Captain's mask, a tear managing to slip past her defense.

"Chakotay's dead, we need to get him to sickbay, the Doctor has to revive him."

"The away team should be with you in minutes. "

"Acknowledged," she said and hit her comm again to close the channel.

She closed her eyes and took his hand in her own. Chakotay knew she was trying to reign in her emotions before the away team arrived before her crew saw her as anything less than unbreakable.

He moved beside her, kneeling down on the cold ground. "Kathryn, I know you can't see me, but I promise you that I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here," he said softly.

Her voice was barely above a whisper, "We're going to get you back."

* * *

"Twenty-five milligrams cordrazine," the Doctor commanded, moving through Sickbay with precision. "We'll use it in conjunction with the cortical stimulator."

Kes took her place at the console, ready to act on the Doctor's orders.

"Now," he said, and she immediately sent an electrical pulse through Chakotay's body.

From the end of the biobed, Chakotay watched his muscles tense and then release, but felt no change.

Kathryn stood in a corner, her hands covering her face and her eyes trained on the Chakotay lying on the biobed.

"No pulse, no blood pressure. Minimum electrical activity in the midbrain. No measurable response in the cerebral cortex," Kes reported.

The Doctor, fixed on his medical tricorder, barked out the order. "Again!"

She obeyed and sent another current through his lifeless body.

Suddenly Kes' eyes widened and with a smile and her cheerfully optimistic tone she reported, "Doctor, we're getting a thready pulse."

He looked at her, the concern still unchanging in his features, "Quickly, 75 milligrams inaprovaline."

Kes nodded at him, "I'll begin direct synaptic stimulation."

The Doctor took the hypospray from Kes' hands and immediately injecting it into Chakotay's neck. Immediately the console beeping, warning them that Chakotay's chance was growing slimmer.

"Pulse is growing weaker. We're losing him again," Kes, spoke with a softened tone again, her voice vacant of hope.

"Cortical stimulator...Now!" the doctor shouted.

As the pulse coursed through his body a tone rang out in all their ears. The universal sound of death which had contained the ability to shake a person to their core. Kathryn was still in her position, watching blankly. Her eyes were taking in everything that was happening, but not reacting, not processing anything.

"No vital signs, no brain activity," Kes called out.

"Again!"

She followed through and sent the pulse.

"No change," she said.

"Again!" he said desperately.

"Doctor-" she protested.

"Don't question me. Again!" he said, his anger and frustration exploding out.

She gave it one last chance, sending the shock through his body, but it was no use.

The Doctor looked at his patient with a saddened stare and closed his tricorder with a soft sigh.

"Make a note in the log. Death occurred at 0320 hours. Cause...massive cerebrovascular collapse."

At the utterance of those words, Kathryn's whole body seemed to fold in on itself, even as she remained perfectly still. She released a shuttered breath and walked out of the room. She didn't even glance back at the occupants.

Chakotay called out, "Kathryn!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Chakotay saw Kes look up, confused. But Chakotay shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. His eyes fell on his own corpse before he turned and ran after her.

In the hallway, Chakotay could hear her open a comm line.

"Janeway to Lieutenant Tuvok,"

"Tuvok here."

She paused; stopped walking, stopped blinking, stopped breathing.

"The Commander has died. I'd like you to compose a shipwide announcement stating that he passed away in an unfortunate shuttle accident and he will be missed. I expect the announcement to be delivered in no more than thirty minutes. Keep it brief, but respectful." she said quickly before taking another breath.

" Of course Captain ," he paused. " And may I extend my deepest condolences, " his stoic but gentle voice seemed to be a sucker punch to her chest.

"Everyone on this ship lost someone today. I didn't ask for condolences. I'm not the one who should receive them."

Another pause. " Apologies if I've...overstepped. I'll make the announcement shortly. "

"I'll be in my quarters. I do not wish to be disturbed unless it's a matter of grave importance,"

"Understood, Captain. "

"Thank you, Janeway out."

Stepping into the turbolift she made her way to her quarters. Before Chakotay could enter, they slid closed behind her, not registering another presence.

He tested the door with his hand, once it went right through, he walked with the rest of his body into her quarters. His eyes fell upon a sight that completely broke his heart.

That Chakotay found her kneeling on the floor, her face buried in her hands, tears falling one by one. Her breathing came in ugly harsh gulps.

He walked over, trying to put a hand on her shoulder, but it was no use.

"Please don't cry," he whispered. "Kathryn I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but I'm still here. I'll find a way back. I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

_"Lieutenant Tuvok to all hands. It is with deepest regret that I inform you of the death of Commander Chakotay. As many of you know, the Captain and the Commander were on an away mission together. Unfortunately, their shuttle crashed, and the Commander was gravely injured. He was pronounced dead upon their return to Voyager, after attempts to revive him were unsuccessful. Commander Chakotay was a valued member of this crew, and his presence will be missed. Tuvok out."_

Silence permeated the ship as the comm line was closed.

Kathryn's quarters, however, were not silent. Though she was no longer sobbing, her breathing was still heavy and tears were sliding down her face. Every now and again her shoulders would heave.

Chakotay sat on the floor in front of her, a thousand thoughts running through his head.

He was dead. Or at least, he was pretty sure he was dead. He had been disconnected from his body once before, though he had been able to control things then. But this didn't feel the same.

His father had told him about the afterlife when he was a child. Could that be what this was?

_"Lieutenant Torres to Captain Janeway."_

Chakotay heard so many emotions warping at B'Elanna's tone.

Kathryn did not look up, instead she curled up in a ball, arms wrapped tightly around her legs and put her head between her knees. She was trembling.

_"Captain Janeway, do you read? "_

The commline chirped to a close, and Chakotay felt his heart breaking as he looked at her, so broken and small. He whispered, knowing full well that she wouldn't hear him, "C'mon Kathryn, your crew needs you….and you need them."

He closed his own eyes, needing to find a way to center himself, to keep calm so he could find some way to help her. All he wanted was to give some sort of sign that he was still here and that she would be okay, even if he was dead.

There was a slight rustling, and Chakotay opened his eyes.

Kathryn was standing up, wiping her face in her hands. Even as she shook her hair out of her face, Chakotay could see the darkness behind her pupils. She moved into the bathroom, and Chakotay heard water running, and a sniffle.

He stayed still, waiting on the floor. Even in this world where she had no idea he was there, Chakotay knew she would want her space, she would want a moment to collect herself.

When she came back out, Kathryn had fixed her hair, pinning back the locks so she was the picture perfect Captain once again. She blinked, looking around the room, as if searching for her next move.

Focusing on the sofa, where she had left her jacket, she sighed audibly. She reached for her commbadge, but hesitated, hand just above the little piece of metal. After a moment of thought, she called out, "computer, locate Lieutenant Torres."

_"Lieutenant Torres is in the Mess Hall. "_

* * *

Chakotay followed Kathryn as she entered the room. She paused, just inside the door, looking about. She seemed to spot B'Elanna, sitting on one of the low sofas at the side of the room.

B'Elanna was facing the other way, Tom and Harry sat on either side of her. The two men were talking in low voices, both directing their words to B'Elanna, whose head was in her hands.

Kathryn began to make her way towards the group, carefully looking about to the rest of the crew, who were staring right back at her. The crew shared only whispers as their Captain moved, and B'Elanna looked up as she approached.

"Sorry to intrude B'Elanna…" Kathryn rubbed her hands on her pants, "I'm sorry I didn't answer your comm earlier…." Her voice trailed off, her shoulders tensing and relaxing out of time with her breaths.

Chakotay noticed that B'Elanna's hands were now clenched on her lap.

Her voice was tense, "it's no problem, I just wanted an explanation."

"An explanation?"

B'Elanna's voice was deadly. " Tuvok made the announcement. The entire crew heard that Chakotay died from Tuvok, over the comm ."

Kathryn stuttered slightly, "I'm sorry…."

"Oh your sorry." B'Elanna stood sharply. "Well I guess that's okay then!"

Chakotay stared at B'Elanna, shocked. She was angry, that much was obvious, but even B'Elanna didn't normally lash out like this, not at the Captain, and not in the middle of the mess hall.

Tom tugged at B'Elanna's hand, trying to get her attention, but she shook it off.

"No, don't worry! Tuvok gave us his logical condolences, and the Captain is sorry . She's sorry I didn't get to say goodbye to my best friend! She's sorry that I had to hear about it like any other random announcement! She's sorry... so that makes everything better!"

Harry looked like he was about to cry, while Tom's mouth sat open, presumably agape at the entire situation. Chakotay was sure if anyone could see him, he would have a similar expression.

Kathryn's breathing was labored and short, "B'Elanna...I don't know what to say."

"Well, the only thing I'm truly sorry for is that it isn't _you_ lying in sickbay right now," Her voice was full of venom.

No one spoke, at this point everyone in the mess hall was staring at the pair, watching the Captain, wondering if B'Elanna was about to be booted off the ship as they watched. But Kathryn did not reprimand her. She only looked at her Chief Engineer, heartbreak clearly visible on her face.

B'Elanna took a step back, perhaps finally restraining herself. Without another word she turned away from the Captain and stormed out the door, followed closely by Tom and Harry, the latter of whom sent apologetic glances over his shoulder as they went.

Chakotay watched them go, and he didn't see Kes approach from behind, gently laying a hand on Kathryn's shoulder..

"Captain Janeway?"

She froze for a moment, before facing Kes, head held high. "Yes, Kes?"

"Captain, when you left sickbay earlier, I noticed something odd."

"Odd?"

"Yes, almost like a presence? At first I thought it was nothing, but when you walked in just now, I felt it again."

"What are you telling me, Kes?"

"I think I've been sensing the Commander. I think he's still here, somehow."

Instantly, something began to shine in Kathryn's eyes. A light that had not been there since the shuttle had first crashed that morning. Chakotay was elated and terrified at the same time.

"Are you sure?"

"I believe so Captain, it feels warm and familiar."

Kathryn looked her up and down, her forehead creasing with concentration. She nodded idley, then slapped her commbadge. "Captain to all Senior Staff. Report to the briefing room."

* * *

Grief had turned into hard work. Despite B'Elanna's outburst in the Mess Hall, she had dutifully reported to the meeting, as had Tom and Harry. Kes detailed her experiences to the crew, and they all snapped to work. When the meeting ended, Kathryn practically sprinted to Engineering, with B'Elanna andHarry, Chakotay following desperately behind them.

They had been working for hours. Running scan after scan, making minor modifications with each failed attempt, hoping, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that it was just a matter of time before the data confirmed Kes's hunch.

It was a tense few hours. The rest of the engineering staff seemed to have the sense to stay away from the senior officers, huddled to the side of the room, voices getting ever louder and more frustrated.

Eventually, Harry had been called away to fix a malfunction in the replicator system. He had been reluctant to leave, giving a surreptitious glance between the two women, but B'Elanna set him off with a nod and a quick goodnight.

Chakotay had been pretty proud of B'Elanna for that, she had retained more professionalism than he had ever seen before, even if she did keep glaring at Kathryn when her back was turned. Luckily, Tom had arrived around 2300 hours, saying that it had been a stressful day for everyone, eventually dragging B'Elanna out of Engineering to force her to get some sleep.

But Kathryn didn't leave. Main Engineering was practically empty, with the already bare bones Gamma Shift crew mainly working on repairs and upgrades throughout the ship. She stayed, hunched over the console, plugging in commands, looking over padds of research while the computer worked. Every once in a while she would stand a stretch idly, but she seemed to have no plans on leaving, so Chakotay sat by her side, hoping to lend her some form of comfort, even if she thought she was sitting alone.

After a few hours of quiet work, Chakotay heard the woosh of the Main Engineering doors opening. He turned to see Tuvok, striding across the room towards them.

Thank god .

"Captain. How has your investigation proceeded?"

Kathyn shook her head, avoiding eye contact with him. "I'm afraid there's nothing to report yet, but I've been thinking about what happened last time, and I think we need to change our tactics. A mangeton sweep could change everything, I just need to set it up."

"I see."

She barely glanced at him, but kept her focus on the console in front of her. She queried him, "what about you, how did Kes do?"

"There is nothing to report. Kes tried many times, but at no point was she able to feel the presence again. I was unable to sense anything as well."

Chakotay noticed that Kathryn seemed to be holding her breathe. "Are you going to try again tomorrow?"

"No."

"Tuvok?" her voice quaked.

"I do not believe that there is any sense in continuing this exercise."

Kathryn blinked at him.

He continued, "Other than Kes's 'hunch', we have seen no data supporting the theory that Commander Chakotay is still alive, even in spirit. While we could continue spending time and resources on an unsubstantiated idea, I believe the best thing to do now is to mourn the loss of a loyal officer."

As if it hadn't enough times today, Chakotay's heart broke once again for her. She looked pale in the blue light of the Warp Core, the dim lights barely containing the tears threatening to roll down her cheeks.

Kathryn nodded at him, "You may be right, old friend."


	5. Chapter 5

Despite Tuvok's words, Kathryn had stayed in Engineering for another couple of hours. She seemed to be in a trance, tapping buttons halfheartedly and staring into space.

Chakotay watched her as she sat in silence. He could see her heart breaking as the hours passed, but nothing he did could get her attention. Lines crossed her face, her eyes glistened with emotion and a lack of sleep, and there was so much tension in her body she could have powered the warp core with the energy keeping her shoulders up. It had been almost four hours since the Doctor released her from sickbay, three since the official announcement of his death, and now she was frozen in a lonely corner of Engineering, the crew keeping their distance. Eventually she stopped and silently walked back to her quarters.

An announcement had been made a short while ago that a brief memorial service would take place in the mess hall that night, but when the time came she made no effort to go. This wasn't the first time Chakotay had seen grief overcome her. With every death or illness in the crew Kathryn seemed to recede more and more into her shell.

Perhaps she was simply too wrapped up in her own grief. While Kathryn was more than adept at putting on a brave face for her crew, sooner or later the thought of hiding her feelings had to become impossible. Maybe she needed privacy, and the ability to feel her emotions, not hide them. He understood that completely. So instead of leaving for the memorial service was holding, just one deck above her, she sat on the couch, staring at the stars streaking past and eyes shining with unshed tears.

The door chimed, interrupting them both from the cascade of thoughts.

"Enter."

Her voice was quiet, unlike herself.

Tom stepped across the threshold, looking around to see her on the sofa, staring blankly.

"Captain?" he asked gently, but she didn't move to face him.

"What can I do for you Tom?" she said, sounding delicate, maybe on the verge of breaking.

"Actually, I came to see you. We missed you at the service...I wanted to make sure you were okay."

She sat up a little straighter, "I'm quite alright. The Doctor ordered me to rest so I-"

"With all due respect, Captain, that's bullshit."

The use of strong language finally grabbed her attention, shaking her just enough to look up.

"Lieutenant," she warned.

He took a step closer, concern written all over his face. "Captain, you just lost one of the most important people in your life, you're allowed to be upset."

She stared at him icily. "I didn't realize you were filling the role of de facto Counselor."

"I don't think I could. But I'd like to think I could be there for you when you need me to."

She turned to look out the viewport, putting her back to Tom and draping her arms over the back of the sofa.

Silently, Chakotay prayed that Tom wouldn't take it as a cue to leave. The young pilot must have felt his desperation because, thankfully, he sat down in the armchair next to her.

"You know, I've heard lots of stories about Chakotay, from the Maquis. Stories about how he saved everyone at least five times over. He was a good man….he knew what he believed in and would fight tooth and nail for it, for as long as it took. It made me think about when I joined his ship. I had never met a more determined person in my life, besides you of course."

He smirked slightly, but Kathryn kept staring out the viewport, resolutely refusing to look at her pilot. Though she must be listening closely, Chakotay knew.

"The Maquis crew loved him...not just because he was their Captain, but because he was a brilliant friend. I regret that I didn't spend the time to get to know him better...now I won't be able to..."

Tom's voice trailed off, a small bubble of emotion seemed to silence him. He attempted to speak again, but shook his head, at a loss for words.

After a few quiet minutes, Kathryn finally turned to face Tom. She sat there for a moment, pain shining in her eyes as Chakotay had never seen it before. In a moment she had snapped, her shoulders hunching and her hands moving to cover her face.

"I don't know if I can do this without him."

Tom moved forward, tentatively kneeling on the floor next to her. "Captain…"

"Chakotay is...was my rock. He was there for me through every bad day, every tough decision. He knew when I needed to laugh and told me when I needed to lay off the coffee…."

She took a shaky breath, "I loved him ...I loved him so much ...and I don't know if he knew it. And now he never will."

If Tom was shocked by her admission of her love, he never let it show. Chakotay, however, felt a dozen emotions ranging from happiness to sadness, finally settling on regret for never telling her that he loved her too.

"I think he knew," Tom said gently.

She took a moment to compose herself.

"I hope he did. I just wish I had told him."

"None of this is easy...especially after what happened to Justin. So many years have gone by and I can still see how it affects you."

Justin? Chakotay thought.

"It feels like the same thing all over again. My heart is split in two. I can feel myself collapsing but I don't have the luxury to dwell on this, or even work through my pain. This ship needs its captain, they don't need a broken woman, they need someone with strength."

Tom's voice was gentler than Chakotay had ever heard it. "You are the strongest person I've ever met. This ship couldn't ask for a better captain. But even captains are human. If you need to take some time, grieve, we can manage."

Kathryn pulled in a deep shuddering breath, her hands gripping the edge of the sofa.

"No, no I can't. If I stop...I'm not sure I can ever come back. I need to be the captain, to stay busy."

Tom laid a hand on her arm. "You're going to get through this. You've done it before, and you can do it again. No matter how terrible this feels right now."

* * *

After a long debate, she decided to freshen up and put one foot in front of the other. B'Elanna and a few other former Maquis crewmembers decided to hold a small additional ceremony. It would be one to honor Chakotay's religious beliefs and hopefully provide those who were closest to him with some closure.

She stood, peering through the circular window in the Mess Hall door. She seemed to be counting the number of people inside. Whether she was hoping for a crowd or empty room, he wasn't sure, but he wished he could put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her.

After a moment, she shook her head and started to retreat, but her movements were intercepted by B'Elanna, who surprised them both.

"Hello Captain," she said cooly.

"B'Elanna...I was just-"

"Me too." B'Elanna smiled sadly, looking through the same window. "It took me twenty minutes to leave my quarters."

Kathryn didn't say anything. She opened her mouth but didn't take any air in for a response.

B'Elanna took a side step around her, closer to the door. "I know it means a lot to everyone that you're coming."

"It does?"

"Of course it does. Captain… I'd like to apologize for my outburst earlier."

"No need. We're all grieving, dealing with emotions that are...difficult."

Her eyes glanced in the room once more. Her nervous hands smoothed out the wrinkles in her jacket.

"Perhaps walking in and saying goodbye will help all of us." Kathryn said, trying to convince even herself.

B'Elanna smiled lightly and walked in, Kathryn followed closely.

Chakotay's heart swelled with pride watching the two of them bond. He took a step to walk through the door and follow them, but a hand placed gently on his shoulder startled him. He turned immediately, unsure of who or what could even touch him in this form. When his eyes settled on the familiar face a feeling of shock and astonishment washed over him.

"Hello my son." the man said.

"Father?"


End file.
